Sunday, September 27, 2009

i rarely blog on a sunday.....but somehow...i just feel like writing....cant be help...deres actually some things in my mind...which i don noe why i cant put in words..maybe its like this...when i think abt this scenario...it somehow upsets me a little....but when tell myself that...actually i cant do anything abt it either...so y make myself upset?....its a 2 way thing.....either i'm upset or i shldnt think abt it...but seems like its quite difficult for me not to think abt it and consoling myself...its not wad i think it seems to be....cause i think my sixth sense is right...

i really don noe wad i'm doing at times...blinded by love? am i going in the right direction? actually to be honest i have many question marks ard me which i'm trying to answer them myself or perhaps try to find a answer but..i guess i cant seem to find the answer...the more i wan something to happen....it wont..but when i least expect something to happen...it somehow happen...weird isnt it? dats life~

all of sudden i don really feel like carry on writing....so i'll end here..~

{ i was alone at 6:39 pm}

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Friday, September 25, 2009

Its the favourite day of my week...and for the past 2 weeks i've been seeing her on 2 friday nite.. and was always so looking forward to my fridays...but...today..we're not meeting...so thats y i feel a little...how shld i say...moody? i don really expect her to meet me every friday..but...nvm..dats just how i feel.....

so i guess i need to plan sth for today...cause...i really don really wanna stay home and just waste my friday ba....its back to sch tml....zzzz...luckily i don have to work tml so no matter wad time i go home 2nite..doesnt really matter..so yup...will plan sth!

my parents are going overseas on monday...will only be back on sunday..so ya got the car to myself for the week..but honestly speaking its nth much too..just that able to drive to work and going back without and trouble...and perhaps if i wanna go out...or sch..its easier for me to travel around also....

nowadays i realise my entries are getting a little dull and dry..but cant help it..my life has been like that...but at least i'm not complaining abt it...its just work..home..work home..for me...i do have my friends..but nowadays we don meet that often...as for that someone special...to me....i guess..i'm starting to take a step back a little..and drop my pace...cause i'm starting to feel...the staleness between us like i mention on previous entries...so its starting to happen le.....

my mind...i've many thoughts circulating...wad can i say...sometimes i wonder if i'm foolish or stubborn.....foolish as in always trying go for something which i know..perhaps wont happen...and stubborn in a sense that always trying to go against the odds...i don noe...cause from wad i see..lets talk abt me and her....in the day we're at work..we'll msn one another..but it seems the topics seems dry....and perhaps nth much to talk abt.....and when we talk on the phone...its abt the same thing too...with some slight pauses which it makes it a little awkward at times.....but when we meet its quite a diff scenario..cause we chat..we joke..we laugh and we have fun....so i wonder if its suppose to be like this...

yet i know...the things she told me..its like trying to tell me i shldnt waste my time on her..yet she don say it out..so dats y it somehow confuses me ...but still i'm telling myself i'll not give up....so is this a sign of foolishness or a act of stubborness....beats me either....

{ i was alone at 9:19 am}

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

ZzzZ its Wednesday....meaning there's class for me later!! sigh...i'm already feeling the tiredness now..i wonder how am i going to last the whole day without falling asleep.....but lucky i brought along water..so i guess that might just keep me awake...cause its lesson 3 for RED and its gonna get more complicated and need to get my assignment going le..if not i'll be dead~

Had a chat with her last night over the phone...somehow..we get to know each other a little bit more throughout the whole conversation and also wad she really wants and think..so yup...i rather know wad i shld do and wad i shldnt do ba....but at times i cant help but feel that she's perhaps trying to hint me that...i shldnt be spending so much time and effort on her..cause no matter wad i do...the end result isnt gonna be wad i expect...which is us being together......

Meaning.....trying to put me off...cause we either don click or she just don have any feelings for me...perhaps its all act from her part...not to lose me as a friend...sigh....nvm..the more i say the more things starts coming into my mind...i guess i have to start taking her easy...in fact i already am doing that....cause somehow i feel she's already starting to get sick and tired of me..though she don show it or say it out..but i can sense it....cause on one part of the conversation ytd we had...was talking abt controlling...hmm and she sounds a little weird as in wan to say but somehow kept it back...that makes me feel...i'm actually taking up too much of her time ...when perhaps she maybe didnt really wanna spend so much with me.....but i insisted on spending it with her....foolish am i?

It seems to be that we are like some graph....at first its slowly rising....until somehow it reaches the peak......and it slowly drops.....dats how we are going at the moment...things are definitely starting to get bad le..until..eventually....it will just die off....cause there are just too many signs which i can see...is already starting to show that..in time to come...the fire will be gone....

{ i was alone at 10:08 am}

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Somehow or rather...it seems like its a monday to me...meaning...monday blues i assume..i guess its the long holidays that taking effect...my day didnt end well ytd....so its normal when i woke up today..wads left behind was accumulated from ytd...i thought a slp and i'll feel better..but i'm wrong..cause i'm still feeling terribly low...

just a question....how to actually make someone smile through a simple sms? been trying to answer that...maybe if someone were to ask me....perhaps...its just a simple good morning...from someone whom i like will be good enough to make me smile..but i guess in some other cases its not just that ba~

lately....things between me and her are somehow starting to get a little stale...which gives me a feeling that....sooner or later....something which i feel bad is gonna happen~ perhaps she has find a new breathe in life? its not that i've no confidence in myself....but to be honest..i just wonder how much more can i hold on? i just feel at times she's just trying to tell me something..but maybe i'm just too stupid not to understand or perhaps too naive not to accept it...that maybe she's not suitable for me or vice-versa...

i forsee a bad week coming..cause i doubt we'll meet....i know deres other guys ard her..like her ex.....and this 36 yr old guy..and some other random guys which perhaps i'm still unaware of...so i wonder...do i fit the category of just some other random guys to her...all this questions start to pop into my mind all of sudden..and unfortunately..i cant seem to answer...them...this just prove to show...i still don noe her well....things are starting to fall apart...argz..my heart is aching but deres nth i can do~

Sometimes i really wonder wad she really feel towards me...once again..i feel that i have really hung on for a while..but if i really gonna just let go..i got to cancel my trip...which will be a tough decision..but in the first place..i wasnt really confident that it might happen eventually..given the nature of things going on currently..

i'll just say this phrase..."so near....yet so far"

{ i was alone at 9:17 am}

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Monday, September 21, 2009

Hmm its monday...but somehow seems to be its like sunday...perhaps cause it the public holiday thats y....this morning i woke up...my mood is not wad its suppose to be...and to be frank..this feeling has been around since sat morning...for 2 straights nites...i've been dreaming abt her...i don noe y also..perhaps i was just thinking to much abt us...sigh~

Actually everything started on friday.....i met her...we went to her granny hse to have dinner...but somehow..the feeling i get from her seems different from...hmm how i shld say ...its the way how my heart tells me thats different..

Came saturday.....thought we could catch a movie together....but somehow...we end up playing mahjong at her house...with her friend and her friend mom....though i'm a mahjong fanatic....but..i didnt wanna play....but...i cant say no too...during the mahjong session....she was busy sms-ing....u know..i cant help but say...somehow i felt a little how shld i put it...i felt distracted and perhaps a little jealous? am i right to feel this way? cause throughout the whole time...my whole mind was fill with..."who is she smsing?" wasnt really feeling good from than on...went back at 3 plus in the morning...and dreamt...dreamt of....perhaps...she's seeing other guys? sigh....

Sunday......she went out with her friends....so we only at abt 9.....for movie..but its with her friends...so its not the 2 of us.......movie was okie...but somehow..i felt a little left out...than we went Kbox to sing.....guess dats where my mood went wrong again~....it all started well...but again..the same thing happen...she was busy sms-ing....sigh~ don get me wrong..i don mean she cant sms..i....just feel...heart..pinching dats all. same as sat...

so....i feel...my weekends spend wasnt a fruitful one..but at least u know..i get to see her...but it wasnt really wad i had plan....well....its over..~

{ i was alone at 12:18 pm}

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Friday, September 18, 2009

I think the best time to blog is always this timing whereby....i have to interruptions from anyone especially my irritating manager walking around and everything...the atmosphere is quiet now in the office..only my constant typing of the keyboard sound and a few clicking from my colleagues..but that wont affect me off course..=)

hmm..lately nth much happen...maybe only a few interesting things like i'm gonna have new furnitures in my room come this saturday and..................perhaps another one is i will be going taiwan this coming december..=) honestly...thats the only thing right now that i hope it will happen like immediately..but..reality its 94 days till it happen... so whenever i blog..i'll constanly updating the number of days ba...but b4 dat..many things have to happen first...especially my exams and assignments omg....like a old phrase saying "the bitter part comes first..followed by the sweetness" so ya~

sometimes...if you expect too much things to happen...sadly it wont always happen.....but if u just let things be by it self...weirdly..things will somehow...or maybe at times the least u expect...happened...don ask me y..cause till today i still don noe y is it like this too....so dats y i'm trying to have a mindset that is dat way so that i wont get myself too uptight and that will maybe free my mind a little...

alright lets talk abt my taiwan trip a little...basically all the stuffs like air-ticket....hotels..and itenary...have print it out...will be going on the 22nd dec...and back on the 26 dec...if ur think i'm gan cheong to so fast book the tickets.....ur wrong...trust me...eva air-ticket has only the cheapest 610 bucks....when the 47o, 510 and 550 promotion tickets are gone...zzz so eventually i took jet star....also quite exp....530.......so who says budget airline are cheap? or maybe i go the period is peak and no promotion dats y....

its friday today....gonna meet her...sometimes i wonder to myself...will she get sick and tired of me one day?so thats y i tell my self not to meet her too often...so i guess 2 times the most a week shld be okie....i'll keep it this way...will we be together eventually???? though this question is always on my mind...somehow i feel.....that.....its still quite a long way till it might really happen....cause...she's still not ready to commit and start a new relationship~ so for the time being...lets keep it this way............i'll just look forward to the trip with her.....

{ i was alone at 9:16 am}

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

Its been a week since i last wrote..accumulate all my thoughts and feelings and somehow i guess its time to let it all out......wanted to write few days ago..but..was distracted and didnt continue...yup perfect day to write anyway....

My school finally started....Monday had a class and last nite also got 1 lesson...its the start so i'm trying to familiarise with the structure of the lessons and everything..so i guess still not bad...considering the fact that i havent touch books for a long long time..at times feel like sleeping..but somehow try to tell myself i cant!! zzzz...i wonder how long can i take..lol...and the worst is we have to do presentation which i hate the most..i wonder how am i gonna scrap thru...

i wonder how will ur feel if somehow ...someone ur talking to on the phone...maybe due to sleepiness accidentally mention other ppl name...i also don noe..to me...i just felt weird..thats all....

Right now...i'm actually feeling....as though i'm stuck in the desert......aimlessly...being blown by the huge winds and slowly pushing me forward...not knowing wads in front of me and i cant seem to control myself anymore..due to the fatique thats been circulating me all this while...i wonder if this is good or bad...i'm feeling..happy..confused...upset....weird....troubled....hate myself...and everything...i really afraid of losing something anymore..even though i tell my self its really okie to lose it..i may act as if i really don mind..but when it comes to the real thing..i really couldnt let it be...just wad is going on with me i wonder?

lets put it this way....lets say if a guy is going after a girl...he somehow thinks the girl is the right one for him...but at the same time...after many conversations with the girl......the guy somehow feel.....that maybe they may not end up together....and the guy somehow try to convince himself to move on..perhaps deres other trees out dere..but..its quite difficult for him to let go of the current one...so what shld he do?? hmmm..

dats y the above thingie is making me feel like i'm trap...with no directions for me to move on...i'm afriad...

{ i was alone at 11:59 am}

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Thursday, September 03, 2009

Ytd i just went to pay my sch fees....which means sch is gonna start officially on this coming monday...argz...i don noe how will it be like..but i hope i can take it....i always hear my friends and ppl talking abt night classes and everything but i now its my turn to really go and have a feel of it 1st hand...

went to play soccer last nite..somehow i seriously think i shld stop for some time...cause i think i got a injury on my right leg...its quite straining..so maybe i'll take a break from all this for maybe 2 weeks or so...b4 i start to play..cause its not curing and i think i'm exerting too much force on it...so ya... will take a break...be back soon~ somemore sch gonna start..will take this chance also...

anyway when i see my books..i really feel like fainting..its really thick..i told myself..how am i gonna study if its exams? lol...well..will see how it goes ...my memory is getting from bad to worst as each day pass....i wonder how am i going to memorize all this into my small brain~

since monday..till now...i guess things are more or less back to normal......after clearing up things with her..i keep telling myself..."hey take it easy man....she's not anyone to you...just a friend..your scaring her if ur like this...." somehow it helps whenever i wanna do something now..i'll think over and see if its worth me doing it.....and regarding her ex..i guess i jus got to accept it graciously and not take it too serious...cause wadeva they do...eventually its wad she wan and if shes happy i guess i cant do much either...so...ya~ i'll step back a little...each day..and see ....if it helps...dats the least i can do at the moment.........

i'm so hungry.. i didnt eat dinner yesterday..i'm very scare my gastric is coming back...but i just don really feel like eating...so ya...alrite...gonna go le...~

{ i was alone at 11:48 am}

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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

my weekends.....it started off with a nice friday...but eventually ended with a sad sunday...and from than on..everything just started to went wrong...

i didnt go work ytd..woke up in the morning...feeling depressed....drag myself to see the doc for mc..so ya..just claim that i had stomach prbs...so went home..and just spend the remaining day home...thinking~

its been a hell for me lately..i'm not able to concentrate well on wad i wanna do...i'm so badly affected..whenever i'm feeling this way..all i wan is to stay at home and not do anything..but i cant..i've got to work...and the worst is my sch gonna start next week..and i'm not even well prepared to face yet another hurdle...when i havent even solve the prbs i'm facing currently..

i realise...all my previous entries had all been those moody and solemn ones...i'll say perhaps this will be the last entry dats gonna be this bad..cause i feel i'm not doing myself any good either...

u know...was chatting with someone just now...after hearing her telling me those stuffs..i cant help but feel...just upset yet again..argz..i feel the whole world is coming down on me..and it seems everything is so heavy to me all of sudden...

now..i just trying to find a way to convince myself to just not feel the way i'm feeling now..cause i'm self-destructing myself and making a fool out of myself....but i just cant do that...maybe i could but it wont last..argz...honestly i wasnt like this when i was with sj...but now i don noe y i turn till like that..haiz..i guess like wad my friends tell me i must really learn to let go and take it easy...but how am i going to do that~just how...

{ i was alone at 10:31 am}

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