Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Yesterday evening when i was back home....took a shower...as usual....play some games on my laptop..and i don noe y...i just felt extremely tired...that i couldnt take it anymore..i just went to bed...sms my friend for a while..and i just slpt...i havent taken a evening nap for a very long time..i guess was partially due to some sutffs ba....cause i know...whenever i'm feeling down...i'll do this...

than...somehow i was woken by a sms...and to my surprise it was someone i thought i never will receive any sms from le...i don noe y but all i can say that i was just feeling better after that sms..and i just got up after that and went to surf my laptop again~

as it was ard 1 am...i really don noe wad to do...still have a little energy to do some stuffs..so i thought to myself wad can i do....and the first thing i thought of was to go check my email....the last thing i'll do...without any expectation...i saw 1 new massage..and i was like...is it her? so i just click and to my surprise again~ it was really her..~ and i was like stun a bit...cause i feel sometimes...somethings are really funny...or weird....if they don come..they just don come..but if u never really expect something..they just keep coming...~

anyway back to the email.....all i can say that it was a heart-wrenching one...and i realise how much she actually go thru...deres a phrase in her email i'm felt its really quite meaningful....thats...from forcing to accepting the fact, accepting to understanding, understanding to suppressing, suppressing to avoiding."

somehow i feel she's somehow still quite close to me while i was reading the mail..like somehow she's just next to me...wad are you really thinking..chi howe....*sighz*...hurting a person so much and now u come to regret..don u think its so late?? actually...i'm quite lost at the moment..i don really know where do i go from now? like lost in some crossroads..or perhpas a junction with multiple roads.....really need some directions...~

{ i was alone at 10:28 am}

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A chilly morning~ it all started when it rained at maybe 6 plus in the morning.....somehow got woken up by the dropping sounds of the rain on the metal roof outside my window...and tried to slp...but somehow couldnt...was feeling tired still but...somehow i just daze looking at my ceiling and felt lost? i havent felt like this for a long long time... not long later i just went back to slp i guess~...

have ur ever had this feeling....when at a moment of rushness or perhaps a moment of folly...u might do something...or perhaps do something than actually u don really meant it but..somehow ur sense get the better of u...and resulting u in doing it...but later on..u when u cooled down...u somehow feel.. bad...or maybe even regret...think its quite common..

omg...i was away just now...zzzz now i cant rmb wad i wanted to write earlier..cause of this interuption.....hmm

lately dere are 2 things that i will do now and than...firstly...is that i'll check my email..to see...if she replied me~........ironically...the last thing i'll do b4 i slp everyday is also to do the same thing also~ though i know deep down..perhaps i'm waiting for a train that will never come..or perhaps shld say i've bought a ticket knowing that deres no more train...

i'll see how it goes... goes and still....waiting..for perhaps a miracle to happen..that one day...she'll reply me? u know...every..i have to pass by her house when i take a bus home from my workplace...whenever i reach the her place dere..everything still seems so fresh in my mind....the fruits store we'll always pass by whenever we walk back to her hse after dinner..than she'll always ask me..."you wan fruits?".... or....the traffic light we used to cross when we go for breakfast at the Mac just opp her hse.....and perhaps....the petrol station we always go pump or wash our car....talking abt the car...whenever the bus pass by her block...you know..its just so natural that i'll just turn my head to the direction of her block to see...i cant denied...i was hoping to see her...or her car or anything abt her.....dere was a period of time that i actually saw...her aunties..her mom....and i even saw her...at her carpark dere..but everything was just a brief..perhaps 2-3 seconds cause of the bus speed~

si nian shi yi zong bing....as time pass you tend to miss someone even more...thought i tell myself i've already move on...but part of me..still holding on~ i cant lie to myself...just some simple actions will verified that...

so i told myself...when the next relationship ever comes along in my life...i'll wont make the same mistakes as i did previously...not getting any younger...so ya~ fate will guide me... wont you?

{ i was alone at 11:02 am}

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Monday, August 24, 2009

Its monday...its all blues blues and still bluesssssssss.....last nite when to play soccer at 10pm...ended at 12am....really very tired...havent been working out alot..so ya...quite tiring..but was fun...i don noe y...ytd...i only had cornflakes in the afternoon..and since than i didnt eat anything for the whole day....don ask me y...i only reason i could think of is the same one y i didnt eat many yrs back~ whenever i'm feeling down..my appetite is terrible...

there are 2 things i wish to share....sad to say both are not really nice things....but still i feel...i shld just type if out here.....firstly......lets see..how shld i put it in words...maybe i shld say...in my previous entries..i did say that.sooner or later....it will happen...it not only happen once...twice...but i guess its the 3rd time..i'm doing this..but this time rd...at least....i feel...i'm convince....that....i will give up~ so ya...u wont be needing me either..or maybe shld i say..u never even need me in the first place..its me who..with a thick skin..tried to enter ur life..and i perhaps even shldnt even enter...just a pest....passer-by..whatever u call it...lets call it a day shall we....

the next thing i wanna share is maybe...deres this saying...when u have someone..you told really appreciate him/her...but when u come to lose dat person......when u come to realise it that perhaps u actually still do miss her and love her? but everything just comes too late....and thats exactly how i feel........it took me too long to realise..i really do miss her presence....i'm actually lying to myself for the past few mths and trying to be strong...but still..the emotional side of me eventually cracks...i miss you...i've done wad i could..i took the first step which you say i don that...if you have really give up on me totally...that i've nth to say.....

i just went for a interview today....i feel...i can really learn alot if i join them...the boss is really a nice person..really take the effort to explain the job scope to me...and i feel its quite a new experience to me..and i can really learn alot from him...so i will give it a serious thought..and i feel...if i'm offered the job...i will take it....i hope this time rd i can get it....=)

so i guess dat sums up my day~

{ i was alone at 1:48 pm}

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

I've always thought that when it comes to certain things if you show..determination and perhaps a little perserverance...in doing something...somehow...the ending might be a happy one? but i guess...reality is catching up with me..telling me to just "hey time to wake up" even if i wanna continue..its really hard...cause i'm mentally drained? i guess i'm the foolish one whereas everyone around me realise wad is going on....i hate myself...i hate reality..but i cant escape fact..

i thought i told myself i wont bring myself back to somewhere i know i wont be happy or perhaps i will make myself feel terrible...but i still eventually went back...dumb rite? if i could control my feelings a little....than perhaps i wont get myself into this state? and the worst is i cant seem to get out of it this time rd? seemes like a maze to me....

anyway i'm going back to books again....omg.. i really cant blive wad i got myself into...i don know honestly if its the right decision...but somehow...i did apply..and now just waiting to pay the fees and here i go..for my degree...in facilities management...the reason y i took up this degree is because someone told me in one of my recent interviews that...if i wanna survive in this industry...its better and he strongly encourage me to take a degree....so..somehow i told it over...anyway i've got no committment...so i'll try to make use of my spare time to achieve that..its not gonna be easy..but i've to try..its for my future~

things are back to where i last end...you know.. i feel.......i feel.......nvm...i know my worries for her are redundant...cause she i guess she don even give a hoot whether i care for her or not...cause from a simple incident..i can clearly see wad am i to you...maybe its a good thing? cause i really got to tell myself its time to move on...cause after all this mths i've done..i still...still....sigh.. i'm a failure....perhaps i havent done enough? or perhpas i did too much? i don noe... i really someone to talk to~

{ i was alone at 1:40 pm}

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